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My friend "Billy Bob" emailed me a recent "Let's be friends" letter. I offered my (cynical) translation for him and he agreed to let me repost the letter and my interpretation here for you.
Italics = Her letter.
Bold = My interpretation
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
"Hello, Billy Bob"
"Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to you much this weekend. Didn't go to church since I had too much to do after the party."
I'm avoiding you so I can dump you over email
"Anyhoo, I just wanted to give you a quick email response since I didn't call you last night."
That was the plan after all...
"I appreciate the nice things you've done for me and how thoughtful you've been. "
You're just too "nice" to screw. But I like that you're desperate, its been a real boost to my ego.
"As I also already told you, I love going to that church, and I'm really enjoying getting to know all the people there. I wouldn't want anything between you and me to put a damper on that, and it does make me feel very hesitant to date you for that reason."
There's a hot guy at church I want to see if I can win over, and I'm afraid that if I'm seen with you it might scare him off. So could you please sit somewhere else on the off chance he might look my direction? Church is my 'fishing hole' and I can't keep fishing if I still got you on the line eating the bait now can I?
"There is a lot about you that I like, Billy Bob. I think we connect pretty well intellectually and politically. But, I'm not feeling the spiritual connection that I would need to in order to feel comfortable dating you."
When I say "spiritual" I mean sexual.
"It may be that I just don't know you very well yet, but I think it could be that emotionally, you and I are on different planes."
Mine's full of women circling Hotguyville and your's just lost an engine
"I know that I am feeling hesitant to date anybody right now, and I also know that in the end I would like to find someone to spend my life with."
I'm keeping my options open because ... any ... day ... now... he's going to notice me and I'll bear his pretty little babies as Mrs. Hotguy. I really can't be tied up with you while I'm waiting for my dreams to come true, you understand?
"I really would like to still get to know you as a friend. If you are up for that, just give me a call sometime and let me know. Either way, I will see you around."
On the off chance that Mr. Hotguy never notices me or he decides to go for that hot blonde who always sits off to the right front, I'd like to know that I can always come back to you for a little ego boost. I can't tell you how great its been for my self-confidence to squash you like a bug!
That girl you really wanted to have sex with, too bad about that, better luck next time!
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Dissolve into Evergreens